Brother and Dad

I love my brother. He is 3.5 years younger than me. Today we had another talk on trying to figure out where our 87 year old father should live. After we came home from looking at an Assisted Living Senior residence, I brought my father to my house and cooked us dinner.

"How did you like the place we looked at today, Dad?" I asked.

"What place?" he said.

"You know, the place where we had lunch? You had a mushroom omlette?" I said.

"I did?". "Yep".

"Remember, Dad, you were sitting near the nice fat man, and talking about World War 2?"

"I sat next to him?" "Yup"....I continued..."And remember we went to look at some of the apartments. And one of them had a view of the rooftops that you didn't like? Do you remember the view from the other apartment there?"

"I don't know" he said. "Water?"

He had no memory at all of this place where we had lunch. None. But when I made him dinner, and he ate chicken and sweet potatoes, he said to me, when he was almost done with dinner, "why am I so full already from eating this dinner?"

And I said, "because you ate a lot for lunch. You had a mushroom omelette, and then you had apple pie and ice cream for dessert." "I did?" he asked. "I had apple pie today?"

My brother and I had a nice phone discussion about Dad. I explained that I understand that we are essentially beginners. It is new to us. We are learning our way around the whole thing. Learning the meanings of words and services like Assisted Living, Memory Care, Independent Living. We are trying but the whole process is new. We have tried to have a methodical organized process (we have a spreadsheet).

My brother told me that the reason he likes this place where we had lunch today is because he likes the friendliness, the sense of community, that Dad would feel comfortable and safe. I think it can be pretty daunting, I mean it certainly would feel daunting to me, to suddenly move into a place, have to have breakfast with strangers,  lunch with strangers. I don't make friends that fast. Maybe he would like it? But maybe he would just go into shock or something.

I understand why my brother likes this little sort of humble, not show off place where we went today. Yet I was worried about what would happen if Dads dementia gets way worse, and he he needs physical care, to get dressed, to even use a bathroom? That I thought it is important to have him stay somewhere where he would not have to move should things get worse. And my brother said, if things got really bad, he would want Dad right there in his house, and that he would take care of Dad at home.

I admire him saying this. I had the same impulse. But realistically, its very demanding, very difficult, very tough to be changing someones diapers, walking them here and there. It can take all your energy and time. My brother is not such a young man. I know how he loves our father. So do I. But it would take huge amounts of patience, energy, and would probably tax his marriage to have my father, in a weakened state, needing so much care, to live with them on any long term basis.

My brother explained how he hates that institutionalization, the whole thing, and I agreed. I did. But I don't know an answer. I suggested we at least find a place that has 3 levels of care. We don't have to use all 3 levels, but at least he would not have to move out if he got worse.

I am not afraid. Because I know there is a lot of love around, between my brother and I, and our spouses. And I think the right answer will come. My father is such a likeable fellow that we all just want whats best for him. I think he would be happiest around us. Not sure how. He is about the least demanding person I know.

In the meantime, my brother hopes we make a decision this week. We have a cousin who had his mother in a place too, a while ago. We should talk with him. I know how hard this is for my brother, and I am so glad he is there. I am frankly worried about him. He needs to take better care of himself. He has high blood pressure and the stress gets to him. I need to find a way to alleviate the burden for him. I think I deal with stress much more effectively than he does. I know I do. He suffers. I dont know what I do, but somehow, I kind of deal with things a different way. They don't eat at me. Well, glad I could write things out on this post.